Friday, October 27, 2006

no more i love you's...

the more you say those words... the more i get hurt...

...i have loved you... but we have to let go...

things happen beyond our control...or by our own choice...or maybe it's destiny...

we have to accept it...

it's not a question... of loving...

"i believe that once you've loved somebody... it'll always remain in your heart as long as you live....though it fades through time... but it's still there..."

i still do... but we both know that we can't go on...

each time i hear you say those words to me... i really try to ignore it... it's not that i don't... but that's how i really wanted to be...that's why you get no answer... if you only knew ... it breaks my heart... more than you think...

Saturday, October 21, 2006

friendly competition

i don't want to compete with anyone... or anybody in particular... but for the past few years i felt that some people even those who are close to me(friends)... tends to compete with me...
one of my friends told me that maybe they just admire me that much that's why... they wanted to have whatever i have and do things that i usually do... in short... "hindi sila nagpapatalo sakin..." they always have something to say... about everything....she told me that i should be proud ... coz i am being looked up by them... but honestly i am not into this kind of competition....

what pains me is that... they're my friends...

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

ICE PRINCESS

Stone-cold, icy, bitter, cold-hearted...emotionless...

I may look intimidating... strong on the outside... but i am not an ice princess. not as sweet as your typical girl next door... but i am not insensitive. i know i could not please everybody.... but its unfair if you're being judged in the way they see you not knowing the real person inside.
I feel bad when they say i look very unapproachable and a person who's somebody not accomodating. but what can i do?! i tried to reach out to people... but its not that easy. (i look "richy-rich" daw accdg.to my friends) they still feel very aloof towards me. I can't blame them though... but i hope they wouldn't judge me as well.
They say I'm "manhid"! Well, i guess i am...its case to case... sometimes i do it on purpose. So i won't get hurt. Honestly, i really have a hard time distinguishing "being nice" and "liking"... that's what my friend told me... if ever a guy sends his "i like u"signal ---> to me... Deadma daw ako! but frankly... i am not the kind of person who put meaning on things like this... i have a lot of... "what-if's" ... i am a little sigurista... its hard coz i have been through a situation before where ... all the while i thought the person likes me and he ended up telling everybody/my friends that i am hallucinating... was devastated when i've learned about it, that's why now... i am careful with my actions and feelings. i have learned a lot from that experience... that's why... unless a guy directly tells me that he likes me... i won't believe what my instincts tell me... I'll never forgive myself if i commit the same mistake again.."Mahirap na ulit magkamali"...

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

"kamag-anak incorporated"

i am the kind of person... who is not afraid of saying what i feel. it's hard to be in a place or situation where your actions are limited.

in my work place, being employed in a family owned corporation and being one of the so-called "kamag-anak incorporated"... people would say that i am lucky to be a part of this organization...i guess i was in a way. bcoz i gain "RESPECT" from those around me... but when you're stuck in the situation i'm in... all you can say is it's unfair! i cannot express my views on matters concerning their policies especially if they're beyond my principles... "Utang na loob" of hiring you...

honestly, i really don't like the idea of working here... my mom just forced me when i graduated BSC Major in Accounting in 1992 bcoz his cousin (my uncle) told her that they need an accounting staff very badly. it was so hard for me to accept i even quarreled with my mom since i don't want people to think that i was hired by the company not bcoz of my capabilities but bcoz i am a relative. i told my mom that i've graduated from a prestigious university (UST) and i know that i am competent enough to find myself a good paying job in other companies. and i am quite aware of the consequences i have to face when i accept to work for them. my lola (my dad's nanay) persuaded me to accept... i cried... but since i respect my lola (grew up with her) a lot and for her i reconsidered. (but i insisted of taking the exam and interview-don't want to be given special treatment here).

it was not an easy journey... there are a couple of gossips... intrigues that came along the way... being a newly grad ... "napakahirap"... my co-employees look at me from head to toe. i cried almost everyday when i get home from work. in the first few months i really wanted to give up. but my ate... told me that if i'd do that... i'll just show them that i am weak. from there i know i have to prove them wrong!

i have learned to love the work they gave me... cost accounting/costing. i have been handling it for 13 years already. honestly there is no problem with the work i handle and my co-workers now, but the situation i am in. there are things i wanted to say or point out but i can't. there are policies that i don't agree but i am not in the position to site my views. i know what will happen... i should side with the management....bcoz i am a "full-pledged kamag-anak! now i am doing a lot of thinking if i should stay. i know it took me 13 years... and there are a lot of things to be considered. esp. now its hard to find a descent job this days. but i hope i can hold on to this. they expect so much from me to the point that sometimes... i wanted to give up! (that is., giving me extra work aside from what i am assigned to me... and i have no choice...but to follow....haaay)

i just want the people to know that ... i don't use my "pagiging kamag-anak" in the office.... i don't ask special favors for myself...i know a lot of people would not believe this.. but its not my cup of tea... i want to work hard and be acknowledged bcoz of my ability.
a lot of people approach me for help and if they have favors to ask from the management... i tried to help in the best way i can...

Monday, October 09, 2006

it's almost Christmas...

Today's October 9, 2006... its exactly 77 days before Christmas.

Time really flies fast... we can now hear xmas carols over the radio, malls are now selling decors... "Pasko na naman"... Midnight sale...left and right, little children will now be very busy thinking of what gift they would ask for... carolers will now invade our doorsteps... Well, i just hope our xmas bonus will be given early (ha ha ha)...

Christmas is a happy season... You can see smile on people's faces everywhere. When i was a child i remember... i used to believe in Santa Claus... (i think every kid believes in that) that we should be nice.. so he'll give us the present we wished for. Family gatherings, parties... feasting...
But we should not also forget that... (some of us...does) its the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

SATURDAY!!! my fave day...

It's Saturday! This my fave day of the week (khit we have work)...

Why, Saturday?!

Well parang its the end of the whole week work and time to relax. Go malling or wherever you want to be--- just stay home perhaps. ha ha ha... a few years ago... i used to hear mass with my besprend during saturdays... and i stay with my lolo and lola's on saturday... well i miss that. now i just visit them bcoz of work.

And most impt. walang coding kapag Saturday! ha ha ha....

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

HOORAY!!! for the TIGERS!!!

UST Tigers bagged the UAAP 2006 Championship yesterday. I missed it, sayang.

I was at the office when my cousin called me that they won the championship. I really wished i was there watching. Being so addicted to basketball and a UST alumni... grabe sayang talaga!

But i am happy that they've won!

so-so day...

one of the so-so days... too much to do but was super lazy. the day is about to end but still i feel kinda "not so good". (haaay)

maybe i was just tried.

and to make me feel a lot better... the one thing i should do was write. this actually releases my tension, depression... i don't know na what to do if my pc's not around and most esp. i could not go online.

i've read a friend's blog... and it really inspired me... well, if that happened to me. i'd do the same thing. and i admired him for what he's done! that only shows that money is not everything. it's the fulfillment on one's part. the things one could contribute to a group or organization. it's just sad that he had to move on and the other person who'd been.. the reason for all this...has to stay. but who knows...? there's nothing permanent in this world... everything changes... i hope soon... the management would open their eyes on what's really happening...

Monday, October 02, 2006

di na aasa pang muli...

mahirap umasa sa wala...

...minsan pinipilit mo ang sarili na ikubli ang nararamdam
ngunit kusa itong lumalabas... pigilan mo man.

...may mga tao na dumadating sa buhay mo na akala
mo ay sya na ang inilaan sa iyo at ang iyong matagal nang hinihintay.

...mga pangyayari na akala mo ay totoo ngunit hindi pala.

...mahirap umasa sa isang bagay na hindi sigurado...
...mahirap umasa na mamahalin ka ng isang tao...
...mahirap umasa na hindi ka iiwan ng taong minahal mo.
...mahirap umasa dahil... masasaktan ka lang.
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